Boundaries: Be Ye Selfish



So... boundaries. They are, apparently, a good thing. We all need them. I have read about boundaries before. I read a book by a Benedictine monk, which was so eye-opening, about the absolute necessity of boundaries. The concept was that we all need boundaries in order to live out our true Vocation, I think. I think that was the premise of the book. There was a sentence along the lines of 'a monk is not someone without boundaries. The boundaries are what enable a monk to be a monk.' I really enjoyed it, because for the first time ever, I was seeing that it was OKAY to have boundaries as a Christian, as a Catholic. And, in fact, that it was wrong not to have them. But I think that I kind of forgot about a lot of the content, tried to put up boundaries inconsistently and then felt bad again and annoyed that I felt bad, and blamed the people who 'made me' feel bad, and went back to the original modus operandi of not really knowing what to do with boundaries after all.

But yesterday I read something that made me feel a bit uncomfortable, so probably, if not certainly, has more truth in it than I would like to admit. And that is this: if you do not know your own boundaries, then you are taking over-responsibility for other people's problems and you are not taking the proper, necessary responsibility for yourself. I haven't got to the rest of the book yet but there are chapters entitled things like 'Food', 'Exercise', etc. And I think of all the times I have run myself ragged, not looking after myself properly, not taking my own physical and mental health seriously, in the name of 'love' for other people. But the difficult truth to face is that it has also been a lack of responsibility to myself - and responsibility is an area I struggle with. I find it overhwhelming and scary (hands up if anyone else does) to take responsibility for things. 

Having children has forced me to be responsible for planning the day/weekend/evenings/naps/breaks/food like nothing else ever before, not even teaching. My organisation skills have been pushed to breaking point, and, more importantly, my reluctance to look after myself properly at times and give myself the necessary breaks (even when this costs money), without feeling guilt or a sense of inadequacy, has led to near self-destruction and I have had to bring myself back from this dangerous ground a few times. So I'm grateful for the book and sharing this to maybe help other people - especially new mums - who may feel the same.

I wonder if this is a common theme for women, though. We are told that we are equal to men, though different. But I think we often feel as though we should give more somehow. We feel bad when we don't....? We feel selfish. We face criticism from older generations about our inability to run our house and our children. We feel inner conflict when we take breaks from our homes or our children.... but these are all things that help us to serve better, in the long run. I think we often justify why we needed that daytime nap (it's just because I had such a bad night's sleep). Even though we have been existing with broken sleep for something like, possibly, about THREE years.

Why do we do this? It's time we stopped!

Any thoughts on this, Reader? I would love to hear from you. 

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